10 ways to survive grieving during the holidays
This piece was published Dec 2018 // Updated Nov 2020
A few years ago I went to a wedding not long after my mom died. I used to LOVE weddings.
The romance, the party, the reunions with old friends, the dancing — it was all SO up my alley. Then my mom died a few weeks after my sister’s wedding. Weddings make me feel real weird now, so I made a point of doing lots of prep before I even got on the plane to attend this one.
I was told by friends that they prep by asking someone about the flow of events so they can remove themselves for speeches that’ll trigger serious sadness or jealousy; they find secret places to hide; they legit just leave if they need to and feel no shame.
I’m learning that whether it’s a bday, funeral, wedding, baby shower, or office party, being around people can just be so tiring when you’re grieving. And honestly, holiday parties can be the worst.
Over the years I’ve learned a few things: Limit the snacking, watch my drinking (both cider and booze), and choose where and when to engage people in “real” convos. Sometimes, it’s not worth it to be “that guy” who brings down the room by sobbing. And at other times it’s the best feeling in the world to see friends for the first time since last December and just let the f go. So I choose my crowd, choose my mood to put on, and most importantly: Choose how and when I take some time for myself.
This time of year can get hella busy and once you end up in the middle of your sixth “holiday” party in two weeks, the travel + Mariah Carey + pigs in a blanket + super strength eggnog can be a bad combo for exhaustion.
And in a year like 2020 where things are exponentially more stressful, the holidays can have new layers of stress and frustration. We can’t see our families (even though. we used to find them annoying or frustrating or hella stressful to be around). We can’t celebrate in the ways that make us feel closer to colleagues, friends, family, and strangers at the many ugly Christmas sweater parties we used to attend. And the idea of opening presents or having dinner or kissing at midnight over ZOOM feels downright baddddd.
Grieving through the holidays isn’t just about being *sad*, it can be exhausting, frustrating, angering, and more. So let’s pump the brakes and talk game plan. Yes, it’s important to figure out what potluck dish you’re going to bring, but more importantly, you’ve gotta figure out how to have maximum re-boot time while taking maximum care.
A few tips if you’re managing grief and the holidays while apart from your people
1. Consider how you want to communicate, when you want to communicate, and what you’ll do when you communicate
How you want to communicate: Do you need more phone calls or FTs or ? Do you want to be in group settings or in more 1:1 time with your loved ones? Do you want to meet new strangers who are experiencing grief like you are? Do you want loooooong chats that you should probably book in some time for, or are you really in the mood to just start having quick 15-minute catch ups with people IF they pick up when you call?
When you want to communicate: When you’re sad? When you’re happy? In the middle of tough work days? Every night before bed? On the big holiday days? On the days in between? Maybe you don’t want to talk to certain people at certain times and you need to make that clear to them, as well. There are people in our lives that can make things feel ~ extra ~ hard, especially when we’re struggling. So think about what boundaries need to be put up so that you can stay safe.
Why you want to communicate: And honestly… do you even want to see or talk to or connect with people? Maybe not! If that’s the case, chill out and disappear for a bit.
What you’ll do when you communicate: Do you want to hang out and just be with each other? Do you want to have serious conversations? Do you wanna talk memories? Do you think it’s a good time of year to reflect or look forward at the next year? Do you wanna eat, drink, party, lay around with someone else who is willing to hold space? Do you just wanna be silent and fall asleep with someone on the other end of the line?
2. Think about ways to honor your person this season
Honoring them in ritual: Light a candle for them, play their favorite holiday song while you eat a meal, or have everyone share a holiday memory in some format (text, email, voice memo). You could do this in a group call with family and friends, or have a plan for rituals you can enact when certain days get tough.
Honoring them in conversation: Create discussion questions or prompts for your family to share memories. You could keep these questions to yourself (and just guide the conversation safely and gently) or you could share them with family to let them know that you’d really like to have an evening all about your loved one.
Honoring them visually: Go through old pictures or videos that everyone has in their own homes. Other people digging out gems that you’ve never seen could be a gift in itself.
3. Don’t get on Zoom at all
Maybe this is finally your break from Zoom and you REALLY need to take it. There are so many other ways to communicate with people and enjoy time together.
- Jump on the phone: You can do this when you’re walking around outside, cleaning, sitting out in nature, or in bed resting.
- Start a text chain: One of the best things about group texts: you can respond when you have capacity. Maybe that’s nonstop all day, every day. Maybe it’s once a day or every few days. Just being in contact with other people can boost your mood, give you accountability to check in with each other, and assure people in your life that you’re doing okay - even if all you’re doing is sending Elf memes every 72 hours.
- Write letters: This has been a HUGE letter writing season for me and I am catching up with so many people via cards, letters, and . And these are people that I rarely talk to on the phone! It’s just been an incredible opportunity to feel connected without having any responsibility of instant communication. Consider writing letters to people you love, miss, or never talk to but wanna show some love to - especially the ones that you’ve been wanting to thank for any support they showed you. And letters don’t have to be long and handwritten and wildly fancy. They can be a jokey card or a picture with a note on the back.
4. Make exciting plans even if you’re apart from someone
My husband and I have done long distance twice over the course of our relationship and we’ve become masters of virtual date nights (even pre-COVID). Sometimes, even when things SUCK, it can be incredible to make the effort to plan. If you’re in a mood where “something is better than nothing” consider a few ways you can get excited about the things you’d normally do in person. It can make a huge difference to strive toward normalcy, if you and your peeps think it’ll help.
A few ideas for doing the same thing at the same time:
Cook together: During long distance my husband and I used to have “date nights” where we’d pick a recipe/dish and cook it together while thousands of miles apart. It was awesome being able to just do something ~ normal ~ like cooking, especially when it felt even more like we were eating together at the end. It’s probably too much to go full turkey on both ends of your call, but consider making something similar (and even new!), testing a recipe together or cooking something that brings you memories you can talk about.
Decorate together: One of the best things about the holidays is seeing your space transform into something new, cozy, and fun - and one of the worst things about doing things over Zoom is that you “have” to sit and stare at someone’s face with full attention on a tiny box. Well, try NOT doing that. Setup your camera/phone/computer and just ~ be present ~ with each other while you decorate the house, decorate a tree, put lights up, or cook your feasts. It can be very comforting and sweet knowing someone is there in the background while you do the stuff you’d normally do together.
Move your bodies together: Being able to not talk at all is kinda nice sometimes. Consider doing a workout, stretching at the end of long work days or in the middle of a big weekend alone. Or, if you’d like to be outdoors doing something, go for a walk while viewing Christmas lights in your respective neighborhoods. You can do this without being on a phone call at all, and just send pictures or videos of what you’re seeing, knowing someone else is out there holding you accountable for bringing yourself some care and joy.
5. Do nothing!!
If you need to reclaim some time for yourself, do it. Do nothing, see no one, cancel all the plans. If the year has been hard enough, take care of yourself by being with yourself, nourishing your body, and practicing self-care. A few ways to communicate this to your people:
“I am really, really tired this year. So I am going to spend the next few weeks rebooting by…” being offline? Spending some time taking care of myself? Reading, sleeping, eating, and repeating - all by myself and I am very excited?
“I got a few days off, so I’m going to take advantage and get off Zoom! If you need me…” you can text me and I’ll answer whenever I have a chance? You can let me know what you might nede now, I’ll take care of it before I go dark? I trust that it’ll be okay for me to get back to you in a few days
“Before I go offline for a bit, I wanted to…” share memories? Check in? Simply let people know?
A few tips if you’re managing grief and the holidays IRL with your people
1. When you arrive, identify a place that you can be alone for a while.
I know this can be hard when people have mini apartments or a crazy rager, but if you can identify a good spot in the place that’ll be quiet for a few minutes at a time, take yourself there whenever you need to. And if there’s nowhere, look around the neighborhood on your way and see if there’s a corner store you can “run to to get ice” or a restaurant that you can go have a snack/drink/coffee in for a breather. Sometimes you don’t need to completely leave, you just need a damn break.
2. Download a podcast or Netflix movie on your phone.
My fiance suggested this before the wedding and at first I laughed. What was I going to do? Go sit in the empty bathtub, curtain drawn, watching Sex and the City reruns? And the answer is: Why the hell not? If there’s something that can distract and soothe you during a Christmas party that’s FULL of energy, download something to watch in an extra bedroom. It can take your mind off things, ground you, completely distract, and won’t leave you alone in a room with your thoughts.
3. Assign a buddy for support.
Before I went to this wedding recently, I told a friend of mine that things could go sideways. I told her that I might lose it during the mother of the bride speech and that I could need a little hand holding. For holiday parties, consider enlisting a friend to be your buddy and let them know that when “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” comes on, you might need a good walk around the block to sob. Or tell them that you might need to leave LITERALLY five minutes after getting there if it’s just too much, and that they need to be the person who either tells everyone 1.) you’re going through it and that you went home (truth) 2.) you’re “around here somewhere” and “you’ll be right back, eventually” (lies but who cares).
4. Ask the host in advance what you can stay occupied with during the party.
Even when you’re NOT grieving it can be exhausting to talk to people all night. We’ve all been there where we’re just lookin’ for something else to stuff our mouth with so that we don’t have to tell the same story for the fifth time in 30 minutes. So ask the host in advance if you can be the person to run the karaoke station or serve up at the bar. By offering to help with something that keeps people from spending a lot of time lingering (aka digging into deep convos and bringing up sad stuff) you can be engaged with guests and limit your obligation of socializing.
5. Feel okay turning down an invitation.
If you’re just not up to it, don’t go. Sometimes it’s not worth it to power through, so don’t burn yourself out. It’s that simple and if anyone comes at you just send ‘em to me.