Pros and cons of working from home while grieving
When my mom died I was unemployed.
I spent my days working on random creative projects from the couch and learning how important it was to get dressed at least a few times a week.
Eventually, I went back to office work at a marketing agency and fell into a very stressful 9-5 grind.
I realized that it actually wasn’t any better to be fully unemployed at home or in the office with ridic work pressure.
Being on the couch was hard, but at the same time allowed me to bury myself in death-related research that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do. And being at the office made me hella stressed and anxious, but I got out of the house, which was, at that point, very necessary.
Today, I’ve chosen to work from home full-time, which has allowed me to find a balance and have many unique experiences from the privacy of my couch or coworking space. I am lucky and recognize the freedom I have to grieve in private.
But in the current situation with the coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak, there are many people that aren’t making the choice to work at home. They’re forced to. So I wanted to write a piece that can help others who are currently working from home transition without completely throwing their grieving process out of whack.
The goal of this piece isn’t to give everyone a set-standard list of steps to take to make things magically easier - long-term or short-term. It could likely still be hard, annoying, overwhelming, or frustrating to work from home while grieving. But these few ideas are meant to prompt you to think about why you might be feeling real weird this week, then maybe find ways to cope.
“I went on bereavement leave already… shouldn’t I be ok?”
I’m writing this article while holding the belief that grief is a continuous process. That it isn’t a problem-solution situation, and that for many of us it isn’t “solved” or “finished”.
Considering that, grieving at work doesn’t always look like crying at your desk (though I’ve had those days, trust me). It can look like exhaustion, anger, confusion, and difficulty processing or executing on simple tasks.
This is the result of what many refer to as “the fog of grief”. It can impact the way we consume information, deliver information, and communicate with colleagues.
Grieving at work can also look like someone is doing really well - because they are. Grief can feel like an uncontrollable emotion in response to an uncontrollable situation (death). So being able to return to work, a schedule, routine, and reliable human interaction can be hugely beneficial for many people.
And, of course, grieving at work can mean that someone is feelin’ real good one day and awful the next. Holidays, anniversaries, reminders, and just the fact that it’s Tuesday can mean that grief manifests in different ways that make some days hard and some days easy.
It can come and go. It can pop up while you’re trying to get Zoom launched. Or it can creep into a casual conversation you have with a colleague.
Who around you might be grieving?
People who just lost someone and were arranging bereavement leave
People who lost someone and have returned from bereavement leave
People who lost someone and weren’t able to take bereavement leave
People who lost someone weeks, months, or years ago
People who lost a family member, friend, colleague, or community member before or during this period of isolation
People who are celebrating an anniversary or holiday during this period of social isolation
In short, working from home while grieving can present both perks and downfalls. It can impact anyone and everyone. So to get a better understand of why this period might be hard for people, I’ve detailed some pros and cons of working from home while grieving.
Cons of working from home while grieving
The office can be a good distraction
Though it might feel good to spend a few days or weeks at home - reminiscing, spending time with family, cleaning out someone’s belongings, or just straight up staring at a wall - projects and tasks can feel like a welcome distraction.
The office can provide connection and support
If you’re lucky enough to have supportive colleagues and leadership, you might find a lot of comfort going into your workplace. Work friends are just that - friends who listen, care for you, and talk through the harder days or moments.
“Home” isn’t a great place for some grieving people
Though some might be chillin’ with their pup and making frittatas between Zoom calls, “home” can be a scary place for people who are grieving. It can be isolating, full of reminders, depressing, or full of death-related tasks. It also might be a place that someone likes to reserve for mourning - but that now serves all the purposes, not just that one.
Working from home doesn’t = bereavement leave
Though I consider this to be a time we can all take better care of ourselves, that doesn’t mean that being home equals having time off. It means a lot of us are working harder, under more pressure with our family at home, and in a space that’s not conducive to the way we want to grieve.
Pros of working from home while grieving
The office can be a frustrating distraction from grieving
Just like people might want a distraction from their grief, others want to embrace it. Bereavement leave is often a very, very short window that happens at the beginning of a grieving process. This means that people might not feel “done” with even the simplest pieces of grief, and also might not have set up a way to make sure that they’re managing their grief safely for themselves, their family, and their colleagues.
The office doesn’t allow for flexibility
Sometimes we just gotta cry. And I can tell you right now - going to the bathroom to rage-cry about my dead mom got really annoying and distracting. Heading back into the office can hinder our ability to process and grieve on our own time and in our own way. It also means we can’t just pick up important calls for funeral arrangements or family chats.
Bosses and managers might not empathetic/accommodating
Business has to get done, but it’s impossible to anticipate when grief will manifest as a physical response. This means that you might be made to feel like you’re inconveniencing team members, bottlenecking workflows, or forcing people to deal with your “emotional baggage”. Working from home can remove you from face-to-face contact with managers that might be incredibly hard to deal with, at least giving you some space to process emotions in private, or even initiate conversations over the phone or email that would otherwise be too tense in person.
Take care of yourself and those around you
Grief can be complicated and ever-changing. So, regardless of whether or not you feel like you’re doing great at this whole #WFH thing, that might change in a few days or weeks. And that’s ok.
The most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone, though you may be physically isolated. Your colleagues, managers, and community should be reachable in some capacity, you might just have to find new ways to interact with them.
Interested in tips for how to deal with your grief while working from home? Check out this article I wrote about how to work from home while grieving.