4 tips for dealing with grief while working from home

Transitioning from an office full of people to your kitchen-living-room-dining-room office of one can be difficult.

It can be isolating and hard to manage. This is especially true while you’re grieving. And even more true when you didn’t choose to work from home.

You might not know who, but you’re likely working with people who are grieving. And you might be grieving yourself. In the midst of a pandemic and with many workplaces turning to mandatory work-from-home policies, lots of people who would otherwise get up and go to work every day are currently stuck at home.

It can be hard to land back on the couch where you spend some of your time grieving or even enjoying life post-loss. But it can also be an opportunity to embrace your wellbeing. You can find new rituals and routines, and care for yourself in new ways.

Here are a few ways that you can make sure mental and physical health are supported while getting the job done. But first… two important notes before I get started:

**In the spirit of honesty and to make you feel less alone: I’ve worked from home for years and sometimes even I fail at this. I’ll sit down at my comp first thing after sliding on my slippers, but I know it makes a difference when I make an effort. Don’t feel bad if you don’t do all (or any) of these things. Always do whatever feels good to you.

**Sometimes, it’s not worth it to push through and burnout. If you are starting to feel overwhelmed to a point where you can’t function, consider talking to your family, friends, or a third-party about how you can reevaluate your work situation.

#1: Get up as if you are still going into work

There are lots of tips out there for this, but in short: if you’re feeling like your days are never-ending, find breaks and markers that feel like the cadence of your normal routine.

When it comes to grieving, getting up as if you’re still going into work is especially important because routines help us find intentional and special timeframes to dedicate to our grief.

It can help create starts and stops in our work that allow us to grieve in our personal time. And it also helps you maintain any sense of commitment to your job that you needed to embrace after bereavement leave.

Try this: Get out of bed

This seems like a no-brainer, but I am still trying to rack up more hours working from home OUT of bed than IN bed. Not getting out of bed to work can blur the lines of your workplace and personal space, wreck your back, and make it hard to sleep. To help with this, don’t keep your computer within reaching distance, even if you have a small place. Put it anywhere you can’t reach - bathtub, next to the fridge, in a pan drawer - whatever works!

Try this: Wash your bod in some capacity

The whole shebang? Face? Hair? Teeth? ONE TOOTH!? Just consider doing something that’ll help you reset the feels in your bod. Research shows that some of our best creative thinking and most important alone time comes while showering in the morning.

Try this: Do something (anything!) before you head to your comp

Pretend like your computer is across town, as it would be if you were going into the office. What would you be doing if you weren’t going straight to your desk? Have breakfast, drink a coffee, scroll insta, water plants, text your friends while on a walk, whatever it is. Keep it up and keep the distance.

Try this: Eat and cook mindfully

Cooking and eating can feel like a damn chore when you first lose someone, so just approach food in whatever way feels good to you.

But if you feel like you’re eating on a weird sched or without any reason, consider finding some consistency to when you eat.

How to manage cooking and eating while WFH:

Consider setting alarms to eat meals and snacks.
Literally pack your lunch every morning - it’ll help you meal plan, portion things, and stay on track with special grief diets or plans, just like you normally would have.
Cook your meals from scratch instead of snacking throughout the morning and afternoon. Taking the time to cook a proper meal can be fulfilling (having and completing tasks while grieving is AWESOME).

**On the flipside, remember that food can be extremely comforting when you’re grieving. Let yourself eat things that are fun, homey, and satisfying.

Try this: Set up a space that’s your dedicated “office”
Not all of us have a home office (hello, working from home with my husband in our 500 sq ft apartment). But finding a dedicated space for your work can be really helpful, especially if you’re in it for the long haul. It allows you to keep a line between the personal and working space in your home, and also gives you a chance to do your grief relief rituals somewhere other than your desk.

This might look like:

Reworking an existing space: What might have been your dining room table or knick-knack table by the window can now be your office. Or, if you don’t have room for a table to begin with, consider using a chair you don’t normally sit in, or a surface that you can pack down every day.
Creating a new space: If you have a table that can be moved near a window, wall, or onto a patio, set up a new working area that’s just for work. Then you can “leave” it when you cook or finish the work day, and go back when you’re ready to “head into the office”.
Setting up and breaking down every day: If you have a table that your TV is on, consider moving the TV every morning and setting it back up every night. This not only gives you space to work that you thought you didn’t have, but it also allows you to start and end your day with a ritual that gives you that, “YAY! I’m officially done!” feeling.

Try this: Start and end your days on time

Structure your working hours as if you were going into and leaving the office. Just because you’re at home and CAN work all the time doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. Find ways to breakdown your worksite so that you’re not having dinner or watching your nightly Netflix near your computer. Or create a ritual that starts and ends your day - like making a list, going for a walk, or doing some light stretching that’ll transition your body into your next commitment.

Here’s a few links for fun things to do from the couch, outside, or in your kitchen when you need to get away from work!

#2: Continue to socialize

A non-binary femme using their phone.jpg

Stay connected with the people that help you manage your grief. It’s isolating enough to deal with something so personal and emotional. Let alone when you’re trapped indoors for weeks or months.

It’s also important to keep in touch with the people who keep you grounded, smiling, active, and just plain entertained, because it can make you feel like you don’t have to handle your grief on your own.

Consider this a great excuse to find one or two people that are willing to hold you accountable - for eating, working, getting out of your chair, etc. Asking someone in your life to make sure you’re “Doing okay?” every morning, isn’t weakness - it’s a proactive and smart way to care for yourself!

Socializing with colleagues

Many of us have a really good time at work - even while working from home. The relationships we have with colleagues can be founded on mutual interests, shared stages of life, and I’ve even found that my grief has helped me bond with colleagues and managers in special ways. Losing those daily in-person connections can be a hit to your social life, so staying in touch can be important.

A few ways to stay in touch:

If your company uses an internal communication tool (like Slack), join some of the more social channels where people are sending GIFs, exchanging recipes, or posting pics of their dogs. The best thing about this method of staying in touch: it doesn’t have to involve reaching out to anyone specifically, if you don’t want to - just having access to good content that’ll put a smile on your face is just as helpful.
If you don’t use a tool, consider setting one up with a trusted group of colleagues that also feel like they need a little more human connection. Zoom meet-ups, Google Hangouts, or Skype sessions can connect you with other people who are willing to break up their day with virtual casual chats.

**Of course, if you feel like having a break from your colleagues, take it! Small talk, watercooler gossip, and constant meetings can be exhaaausting when you’re grieving. So if working from home is giving you an opportunity to break from that, take advantage.

Socializing with friends and family

Social distancing can be really hard, especially if you often leave work to spend time with family and friends that are part of your grief support group.

If you’re having a hard time about a loss, there’s a chance someone else in your circle is too. So use the lack of office structure to connect with people that you might not otherwise think to on a normal workday.

A few ways to stay in touch:

Use working from home as a chance to catch up with family or friends when you take your breaks - and continue to do it in the ways you normally would! Text, call, video chat. Exchange GIFs, gripe about work, or send each other messages to check in.
Consider going the extra mile by staying connected with your friends and family through video chats. When we stop seeing people in person, what you could end up missing is just being in close proximity to another human, hearing actual voices (not alerts on your phone), and having someone look into your eyes to create a connection.

Digital grief support groups

There are many forums that people use to grieve online. They are great for connecting with people who are going through a similar specific loss, or who just want to talk about death in general.

These outlets include:

Digital mourning and new ways to find ritual are also available during this unfamiliar circumstance of increased social distancing. If you’ve lost someone and need a way to gather friends and family, check out these resources.

Take some time for your health

I’m not telling everyone to spend their days doing yoga instead of attending meetings or cooking ridiculously healthy five-course meals over an “extended” lunch break. But consider this time - while you settle into working from home - an opportunity to set up good habits and working conditions. You have control of your physical space, more control over your body, and opportunities to advocate for flexibility in your schedule.

I believe that this is especially important during times of crisis, when our stress levels are high and there is great uncertainty for what tomorrow’s workflow will hold. Finding ways to practice mindfulness in our work will keep us better in touch with our grief, our community, and our healing.

Virtual therapy

Third-party support can be a crucial part of many people’s grief journeys. It provides a neutral space and person who can listen. It gives us an outlet to work through things we can’t talk to anyone else in our lives about. And it can be the one place someone allows themselves to actively grieve - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Missing your therapy with your grief counselor or therapist? There are a few options for keeping up with your weekly vent/cry/ramble sessions online and in apps. Take your sessions from the couch, the floor, the tub - a new perk of being home!
Not digging the one-on-one convos with a therapist? There are also apps like Calm and HeadSpace that can help you manage stress and reflect on your grief through meditation and mindfulness.

Exercise

Keeping your body moving during grief can be a very important way to manage stress. For some, it provides a reason to get out of bed in the morning. For others, it’s an opportunity to socialize. And for many, it’s just a way to stay healthy and in control of your body while your emotions feel out of whack.

How to exercise at home:

Consider working out alone with online yoga, cardio classes , and digital offerings for all abilities (I especially love this yoga for grief video).
See if a colleague is willing to arrange a regular Zoom/Google Hangout where they teach some stretching to the rest of your team.
Just get up and take a lap around the block. It’s simple, but maybe it’s all you can or want to do while you’re grieving.

#4: Talk to your boss and colleagues

Despite the horrible bosses I’ve encountered on my grief journey, I work hard to give more and more people the benefit of the doubt. Grief can be tricky and messy to discuss, especially when people aren’t ready or they’re nervous.

Consider talking to your boss about what’s been hard during this transition, if you feel like they are a safe outlet.

Opening up to your boss or colleagues during this time could lead to important conversations about many things - from how you can manage your workload to their own experiences with grief to resources you can get from HR to feel better supported.

Before I go into conversations about grief, I like to make sure I have a few things ready:

A friend who I can get in touch with before or after, just to lean on if things don’t go great.
A few asks or questions that I specifically want to get answered - this helps the conversation feel well thought out and productive.
Time booked before the chat (to prepare my nerves) and time booked after the chat (to wind down!) - this can be deep emotional labour, so giving myself space to feel whatever I need to is important.

**Remember — some people aren’t interested in talking about or prepared to talk about death at work. Before you talk to someone, think what kind of relationship you have with them and how they might handle you bringing up your grief. Maybe you don’t consider them a best friend, but can you at least trust them to listen and be empathetic? Have you seen how they’ve handled other sensitive issues, and can you trust that they’ll treat you well?

Resources to help you settle into working from home

If you’re generally just feeling ~ weird ~ about having to work from home, there are lots of resources that focus on how to set up your space, your mind, and your social life. Here’s a few below, and if you have any you’d like to add to the list, or if you have specific resources you’re looking for, don’t hesitate to reach out: hello@alicaforneret.com.

Working from home (general)

Nudges from HUMU: Each nudge will contain a short, scientifically-backed* suggestion to help you better work from home (or support those who cannot do so) and navigate uncertainty.

LifeLabs Learning: The ultimate remote work guide

Resources for grieving parents working from home

Crowdsourced tips for working from home with kids

NPR: how to talk to kids about coronavirus (a comic)

Survival guide for parents working from home

Things to do with children who are home from school with you:

Modern loss (grieving a child, miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion)